The Feral Truth About Googling Symptoms at 2AM

The Feral Truth:

You already know you shouldn’t Google it.

And yet…there you are.

2:07AM.

Phone lighting up your face.

Heart already beating a little too fast.

Because something feels off.

It might be small.

It might be nothing.

It might just be your brain being an asshole.

But you type it in anyway.

“Is ___ a symptom of…”

And that’s it.

That’s the moment the spiral begins.

Because Google doesn’t do “probably fine.”

Google goes straight to:

• rare complications

• worst-case scenarios

• things you didn’t even know were possible five seconds ago

  
  

And suddenly you’re ten tabs deep,

reading medical journals like you have any business being there,

trying to connect dots that may or may not even exist.

And the more you read…the worse it gets.

Your chest tightens.

Your thoughts get louder.

Every possibility feels real.

You start mentally preparing for conversations that haven’t happened.

Outcomes that aren’t confirmed.

News that hasn’t been given.

All before sunrise.

And somewhere in the middle of it, you think:

Why the hell did I do this to myself?

But you can’t stop.

Because when you’re a caregiver,

not knowing feels worse than knowing.

Even when knowing is terrifying.

So you keep scrolling.

Keep reading.

Keep trying to get ahead of something you might not even be able to control.

Because being blindsided once?

Was enough.

You tell yourself you’re being proactive.

But really…you’re just trying to feel less helpless.

And by the time you finally put your phone down,

you’re exhausted in a completely different way.

Not from the day.

Not from the caregiving.

From the mental spiral you just dragged yourself through

in the middle of the night.

Alone.

Again.

And tomorrow?

You’ll probably say:

“I’m not doing that again.”

But you will.

Because when everything feels uncertain,

your brain will always go looking for answers…

even if it means scaring the shit out of you to find them.

That’s the Feral Truth.

Yours in chaos,

~Kari, The Feral Caregiver